I’ve always been so insecure.
For some reason, I really find it quite difficult to speak to someone you’re close with, and share a very intimate fragment of yourself to them. It’s just so common to me to feel I’d be judged by the things I share. Perhaps the reason why that almost seven years ago, I created an avenue where I can share fragments of myself in a space where strangers can hear me, without knowing my entire identity. Without worrying if you’d be judged by somebody, at least not someone you care about.
Trust. That is one difficult thing to give.
Albeit the risk, I have opened myself to quite a number of unfamiliar eyes, and ears. Interestingly, made friends with some in real life, who seemed to just appear at the very perfect moment of my becoming. I’m lucky that I’m still friends with most of them in the present. Still learning to grow, still trying to create, and still reckoning the best of our selves in this life. In fact, most of them are the ones who give fuel to my creative side. They help me explore the areas I never knew I would enjoy doing – some areas I never knew that would help me unravel profound pieces of my being.
Yet, still, I’ve always been so insecure. And some of the people who may know me in real life, would, perhaps, beg to differ or raise some eyebrows. They would usually tell me how blessed I am to have different talents or skills, but the truth is that I have struggled so much in the past in trying to improve myself in those things. Blessed to make ends meet in the family, and lucky to have this and that – which are mostly superficial stuff that wouldn’t actually matter in the long run. However, my insecurity doesn’t just lie on the surface. It’s an insecurity that digs down your skin, and lingers there for a long time.
I’m insecure of the freedom of others. I’m insecure of how they can be their best self in a world where you’re dictated to be someone else you’re not. I’m insecure of how one can easily just pour their heart out, and not mind what others may think. I’m insecure of their honesty, and of how bold they are in this planet.
Trust. I still find it difficult to give.
This is, perhaps, my third attempt to re-create a space where I can be more. And this is the time to stop building walls, and create more bridges. The time to be more of myself. This is Another Alvin you may not know yet – with more mundane life stories to tell.